Will this be the shortest blog post ever written??
The answer is: emotions. Right??
Well, in some sense yes, but there is surely more that complicates parenting than meets the eye. If you are a parent reading this, then you know that and probably winced when you read that first simplistic sentence. While this post is written from a clinician perspective, not a parents, and likely will attempt to categorize some of the complexities into a neat little picture, I also wanted to gain a parental view across the lifespan. So, to flavour this post with parental insights, I requested insights and interviewed countless parents both formally and informally at different stages in the parenting journey to contribute to this rich and poignant topic.
The project became immediately bigger than a single blog post could accommodate, but so far the resounding theme is that parenting IS hard. But it’s also wonderful. I know, and you know, that most people would say it’s all worth it, but here’s the thing – we all need some help from time to time, and I think it is so important to recognize this and accept it as normal as a society. I imagine a world in which parents talk openly with one another about their struggles, note the beauty and wonder of the process, but also feel secure and accepted in their need for support and the challenges they face. There is a lot that goes undiscussed, leaving many aspiring and current mothers feeling like they lead a secret life to be suffered alone. I meet with many parents in my practice, and it’s quite clear that it took time to come to the point that they were willing to seek out professional help. I understand this from a financial and even prideful position, but in my “perfect-world” vision, this would not be such a difficult choice to make. (I won’t get into the political and economic reasons for why this is a bigger issue – perhaps in another post).
I received such an overwhelming response from people wanting to contribute their thoughts. This tells me, of course, that this topic is crucial. Responses came from parents at all stages of parenting, and from psychology professionals and non-professionals, alike. Some of the most powerful statements I received were from fellow psychologists who recognize that being an excellent psychologist does not take the emotion and tribulations out of parenting! Additionally, such beauty was shown in appreciation for being able to share these thoughts. Many felt the process of writing about the challenge as well as the joy was at least somewhat therapeutic. Because of the breadth and depth of the feedback I received, I’ve decided to make this a much bigger project – I will, however, share a wonderful early lifespan view of parenting from a very insightful contributor here. Her perspective, rightly so, begins prior to conception and reflects on the hardships that start from the twinkle in your eye. I hope you will be as grateful for her candour as I am.
Please be warned though, that this is a real account from a real mother, with real details – and may be upsetting to some – but it ends in joy, so prepare yourself for some reality – this is the good stuff 😉
I am honoured to have been asked to share my thoughts on “What Makes Parenting Hard” and to do that I will have to reflect on my journey as a parent thus far and outline some important questions that you have to find answers on the parenting road.
- How will I become a parent? Can I become a parent?
Something that makes parenting incredibly hard is the stress that is sometimes involved when you are trying to figure out if your biological parts work well enough to be able to conceive a child. On my journey I struggled with obesity, a hypothesized diagnosis of PCOS, using fertility drugs that made my period feel like a bomb had gone off in my uterus every month and finally the last step (which seemed to do the trick) having my fallopian tubes flushed with some kind of treatment to see if there were any physical blockages. I can attest that these were all complex issues that left me feeling defeated and incredibly anxious that I would not be able to procreate.
- Once you’re pregnant can you sustain the pregnancy?
The next milestone on the journey of parenthood is sustaining your pregnancy. I still remember the first time I saw that plus sign in the window of the pregnancy test. I felt like I had won the lottery. Finally months of stress, pain and more stress would pay off in the arrival of a child that would grow in my womb safe and sound. Unfortunately, I received a terrible Christmas gift of having a miscarriage and losing my first child. It was one of the hardest times of my life and had me reverting back to Question 1: Can I become a parent at all?
- Can you cope with the birth?
The birth of a child is often romanticized by images of a sweaty woman with make-up on pushing a few times and then out pops the baby. The reality is far darker and can involve pushing yourself physically and emotionally to a place you’ve never been before. I was induced for the birth of my first child and she had decided she was comfy in my womb and 2 weeks past her date had made no move to make her entrance. I was induced by 2 nurses one afternoon and had dreams of seeing my baby in a few short hours. What transpired was 12 hours of excruciating labor that ended with an epidural, my water breaking and the heart-breaking moments of hearing my daughter’s heartbeat slowing almost to the point of stopping due to distress of the cord being wrapped around her neck twice, strangling her. The epidural only worked on one side of my body so when I was rushed for an emergency c-section I felt the cutting into my flesh in a way I don’t think you’re really supposed to.
Can you heal yourself and learn how to keep your baby alive at the same time?
New parents are expected to take on the great task of learning how to keep a newborn alive while they heal themselves physically and emotionally. Healing from a c-section is incredibly difficult. You’ve got a catheter tied to your leg, any movement you make after the drugs have worn off feels like you’re going to rip open your guts. You can’t get enough pain killers and there’s this screaming little person that wants to be attached to your boob for sustenance. Don’t get me wrong, that beautiful little face, those tiny little hands and feet you’ve been waiting for, for 9 months is priceless, but the brutal reality is you are stepping into a place in your life where you must put the needs of your child as the priority and yours take a backseat. If you choose to breastfeed or are lucky enough to be able to breastfeed, you are now a milk cow that must whip out their boob whenever it is needed (which can be several times in the same hour) and have this little baby trying to figure out how to extract the milk as best they can by mercilessly gumming your nipple until it cracks and bleeds. I breastfed my first child exclusively and I regret it because it meant that I spent the first 5 months of her life upright in a chair all night every night because that was the timing of her colic episode (8 hours of screaming) and my boob was the only thing that gave short temporary bouts of relief to her.
- Operating on little to no sleep with a baby is not at all related to operating on little to no sleep as an academic
Before becoming a mother, I prided myself on my ability to “endure” and “get it done” no matter what the cost. In the academic setting, I would sometimes make a huge pot of coffee and write my best 15 to 20 page papers between the hours of 3am to 6am on the day they were due. You hear about how new parents get no sleep and if you were naïve like me you might think, “Meh I’ve operated on little to no sleep before, it shouldn’t be too hard.” Ummm, WRONG! Your skill at balancing your academic work loads, and full time work loads is NOTHING compared to what you must deal with as a new parent. What makes things incredibly challenging is trying to learn new skills such as diapering, cleaning up poop, vomit, pee whatever, feeding, etc. on no sleep and there is no reprieve. There is no break to recharge your batteries you just have to keep carrying on. I confess that the lack of sleep thing lead me to panic attacks, hallucinations and probably postpartum depression, which I ignored as just a regular symptom of having no sleep. You are on call 24-hours a day and if your child is incredibly high needs as my first was, you will be trying to learn all these new skills to a chorus of screams that does not stop no matter what you do. I remember on the few times I did get to have a shower in that first year I would turn on the bathroom fan to block out the sound of her screams but they still rang in my ears no matter what I did.
- Can your relationship with your partner evolve after parenting?
You can bet there will be many changes to your relationship once there’s a child on the scene. Remember those sexual interactions you used to enjoy? Yea? Well you can say goodbye to that for quite some time. Right after birth your body doesn’t feel like your body. It’s this thing you carry around with you that hurts, feels weird and looks like a sliced up piece of meat. You may harbor a fear of pain upon penetration as your body tries to regroup and return. Your communication practices will have changed most certainly as you both try to cope with little sleep and dealing with a baby covered in poop at 2am. You have to watch out that your communication is honest, direct, supportive and still loving no matter what is happening. Your partner is your greatest support but they can also be a source of stress if you do not address the reality of the situation. Having my daughter was a great challenge to my relationship with my partner and there were definitely times of yelling and tears but I can say that this journey has brought us closer together and there’s no one I would rather have in my corner than him.
Parenting has been the greatest challenge and the greatest rewarding journey I have experienced in my life this far. I never knew I could love anything like this and I certainly did not know I could endure the hardship that goes along with the joy.
- You doubt yourself 100% of the time and that self-doubt can be so tough as a parent. You worry about their health, their eating, their sleeping, bowel movements, how much pee is in that diaper? You have to give yourself the benefit of the doubt sometimes and recognize you are doing your best, even though that is easier said than done.
- Google and everyone in existence has an opinion about parenting and it can be overwhelming! Parenting is hard when you are trying to sift through all of this information which often comes unsolicited and trying to do the “right” thing. Perfection doesn’t exist. All you can do is try to do what is “right for you”.
- You don’t have to have all the answers!! Your kid didn’t come out of you with a manual and they are learning how to deal with their environment just as much as you are trying to figure out how to deal with them!
- Thinking you have to do everything yourself is also really tough as a parent. Accepting help can be hard but you will crash and burn without that help. The saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” and you will know this to be true when you are operating on 2 hours of broken sleep and a kind family member or friend offers to take the baby and give you a break.
- Sleep training can seem like a form of medieval torture for both you and your child but it is one of the most helpful things you can do for your health and theirs. Rocking them to sleep every night, or feeding them to sleep every night will only create a crutch that they can’t rely on forever and will result in some REALLY terrible times. Trust me, my child was totally dependent on suck to sleep until I did sleep training, which saved my life.
- Your familiar routines will have to make major changes to adapt to your new life. If you try to keep all the things you did the same pre-child you will be digging yourself an early grave. Evolve or Die!
I think I have digressed into rambling that may or may not be helpful. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my journey with you and if you use none of this that is totally cool! I hope I have not scared you away from children – I love my children more than anything in this world and I would do it all over again to have them!!
Sincerest thanks to everyone who contributed – I will be using all your input and insights in the next phase of this project – including father perspectives! I hope this shorter version can at least help shed some light on the why part of the question – basically, parenting starts out as a battle. A battle with yourself, your body, and your mind. But you – fellow parent – are a strong warrior, and you are prepared for battle. That doesn’t mean it will be easy, or that you will feel prepared throughout, but you will survive and the hardships will be worth it.
XOXO
