Emotions run high… And low.
Pain is felt profoundly and seems to last forever.
Adolescence is a time of change and self-discovery, but for some it is also a time filled with challenging emotions. Emotions that feel all the more powerful because by it’s essence, adolescence lacks the life experience to know that time will heal and things will change. As parents, this is the true message we can impart. Unfortunately, it tends not to be a message received easily through speeches and lectures. Instead reflect with your child on previous loses they or you have experienced and how recovery felt, and talk about the lessons learned from the process. If this seems to be a new idea, or if you and your family are very lucky and have never had to share a significant loss, it’s not too late to start instilling this mentality now. If your teen comes to speak to you, be patient and understanding, despite how relatively trivial you may think the issue is. For adolescents, these issues can feel massive.
Imagine yourself as a teenager. Were you much like your own child? Were you quite different? If you were similar, you may already feel sympathy for their experience, and you may express that sympathy by speaking with them about how hard it can be. You might consider offering a story of how you coped with a difficult experience in your youth and how long it took you to heal. Perhaps you reference the learning that came with that experience. These are great ways to connect – even if your child does not seem to appreciate or hear your message, I assure you they will hear that you care and that there is hope.
If you find that you are very different from your teen or if your similarities seem to put a wedge between you, you might seek advice from a friend or a professional. Some insight can go a long way in showing your teen you care and want to support them. That alone could provide the hope they need.
Having said all of this, if your child has more complex challenges, such as mental illness or physical health problems or is having suicidal thoughts or non-suicidal self-harm, seeking professional support is always recommended. Most professionals will be able to provide you with the psychoeducation (that’s babble for ‘information about psychology’) that you want or need to be able to best support your child. The psychologist can also recommend books or other resources you can access. Mental illness in your child can be very difficult for parents, especially if you have never experienced mental health problems yourself. Whenever you are frustrated or confused (believe me, those are normal feelings) try to take some time to imagine what it would feel like to be a teenager in this world of media-overload, with expectations on grades and social status at equal parallels, and having to manage everything while still discovering who you truely are or who you want to be.
Adolescence by definition is a transition from childhood to adulthood. It is a time during which the child begins to develop and desire greater social and economic independence, development of identity, and skills needed to carry out adult relationships and roles. It is also a time during which the parenting role shifts quite drastically. As parents, it is important to recognize the natural desire of youth to seek independence and control over their environment. This is a natural and evolutionary process.
To help parents navigate this process, I often encourage parents to consider what type of boss they like to work for. Is that boss flexible and compassionate, does she/he encourage you to be yourself, is she a team player who monitors her own emotions and reactions, does she praise you and communicate well, and does she respect and value your feedback? As parents of young children we tend to micromanage things, perhaps more than necessary. For teenagers, this parenting style will be met with frequent conflict and lack of independence (on both the cold and parent part). Consider thinking of your parenting style as transitioning as well. Much like the phase of adolescence for your child, the phase of parenting is transitioning between child and adult. Start to provide opportunities for independence and reward your teen when that independence is met with responsibility and maturity. Continue to expect that chores and other contributions to the family are met, but consider becoming more flexible in the timeline or plan for completion. Your teen may appreciate that you trust them to make some of these decisions and will likely step up to the plate. If you then reward and praise your teen for their positive contributions or the effort they put in, they will learn that this is the new guideline and can feel confident in their new found independence.
But this post is about teenage emotion. Right? Though that seemed like a tangent, you may find that by increasing the independence and responsibility your teenager has at home, that they garner more of your respect and you theirs. This can help when navigating challenging emotions. Respect underlies every interaction. If a teen feels respected for their emotions and respected for their personal journey, they will in return feel safe to experience those emotions, thus not experiencing the same degree of turmoil.
Probably the most important point I can stress is that emotion is acceptable. Expect more extreme emotions from teenagers, but continue to encourage them to find positive coping strategies for their emotions. Sometimes that coping may simply be accepting the emotional experience. Other times, it may be to distract from the emotion and do positive, uplifting activities that help increase endorphins. Any physical activity is a wonderful way to distract and boost mood. It also helps some teens calm their minds and bodies. Meditation comes in many forms and you can sneak it in by involving your teen in activities such as yoga, martial arts, mindfulness lessons, and/or swimming. By offering the opportunities for your teen to seek coping in a positive way, you are nurturing and respecting your child while helping them build their independence and experience their own journey.
Parenting a teen is no easy feat. Unless you are one of the lucky few, in which case, Kudos! For the rest of us, it’s a time of personal challenge, confusion, and worry. The best thing to do is to try to think of yourself as a teen, and instead of panicking about all the bad things you did and how you don’t want them for your child, think instead of all the lessons you learned and what they meant for you. We can try to protect our children, but can only do so much. We must accept this.
